Humility, Pregnancy & Projectile-Vomiting

Being a self-admitted control freak, this whole process of having my body do whatever the heck it feels like doing without any input from me is a little unnerving. I guess in a way it prepares you for the fact that you are about to bring something in to the world that is a part of you but over which you ultimately have little control once you have given it the basic things it needs to thrive.

Now, apparently Mother Nature, being the thoughtful beotch that she is, has decided to start preparing me for a more immediate lack of control — that is, one’s body doing things over which one has no control, which are subsequently witnessed by as many others as possible.

Note: The remainder of this story is not for the easily grossed out. This means you, Jody.

Today after lunch (Chinese food with Aaron), I was feeling a little queasy. I thought it was just heartburn pressure so I waited for it to pass. Talked to Tim on the phone and joked that I felt like I was going to throw up in my mouth. Tried to do some work. Tim called again to check up on me and about two minutes in to the conversation, I said “Uh oh” and hung up.

Door closed, trashcan close, napkins at the ready, over-salivation beginning… I was prepared to do it and get on with my day. All of the sudden, my entire stomach convulsed and I shot puke over the trashcan at which I was aiming and two feet across the floor. If I wasn’t so repulsed, it would have actually been pretty impressive. Subsequent rounds were less violent and made it in the can.

When it was over, I actually felt a little better… but then I had to face the prospect of cleanup. Somehow tracking down our facilities manager turned in to a full-out manhunt, with everyone calling everyone they could think of and bringing me drinks and fresh trash cans. I retreated to a conference room to work away from the smell. Fifteen minutes later, half the office knew and three, yes THREE, cleaning crew people arrived looking like a HAZMAT cleanup team. To make things even more humbling, I had to go point out where I had thrown up because most of it had now soaked in to the carpet.

So yay. I’m now one step closer to being ready to push out a child (and God knows what else) in front of my husband and at least two semi-strangers. Who needs pride? I’m pregnant.