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Survival of the Fittest: A Quiz

20 July 2007

In an earth-shattering breakthrough, I’ve devised a quiz that will help you determine your relationship to any PW (that’s “pregnant woman”) and how that affects your level of benefits and privileges with her. This very scientific method, based on years of evolutionary and inter-species studies and complex statistical calculations, will allow the non-pregnant population to experience never-before-seen insights to the world of the PW!

Pregnancy is a time of heightened awareness of the senses & a drawing on very base instincts of the PW. Her taste, sense of smell, and hearing all become more honed and acute. Her tolerance for stupid people dwindles rapidly. She is more likely to limit her interactions to those people who are very close to her, much like a pregnant female animal will do by limiting her exposure to members of other packs or species. This is not only for the protection of the young, but for the protection of the sanity of the mother-to-be.

Find out where you rank in the maternal jungle — tally up your points to the statements below and then consult the definitions that follow.

  • You are an immediate member of the PW’s blood-related family, not by marriage.  (+20)
  • You are related to the PW by a marital connection of any sort. (+15)
  • You are 50% responsible for the PW being pregnant.  (+25)
  • You plan on taking a paternity test before admitting you are 50% responsible for the PW being pregnant. (-50)
  • You have ever gone shoe-shopping with the PW. (+5)
  • You have ever been a co-conspirator with the PW in a scheme or incident that you wouldn’t tell your parents about. (+10)
  • You have ever planned a sleepover with the PW. (+5)
  • You have consoled the PW through a break-up, including but not limited to: teary phone calls, nights out that ended in holding back hair in a public place, or helping with a move. (+10)
  • You have ever, when asked, told PW that something was not the most flattering look (hair, clothes, makeup, etc). (+7)
  • You work in the same office as the PW. (+2)
  • You have ever made plans to see the PW at a non-work related event. (+5)
  • You know the name of the PW’s dog. (+3)
  • You are subscribed to the PW’s blog. (+2)
  • You are a member of the male species. (-10)
  • You are a gay member of the male species who is not grossed out by pregnancy. (+10)
  • You have ever had a one-on-one conversation with the PW not related to work or the pregnancy. (+5)
  • You know the names of at least two of the PW’s friends who are not friends of yours. (+5)
  • You know the proper spelling of the PW’s last name. (+3)
  • You know what’s on the Top Secret page… and you didn’t go look just now to find out. (+5)
  • You have ever given the PW advice that she actually used. (+7)
  • You have gone with the PW to get a piercing or tattoo, or the PW has accompanied you for the same. (+10)
  • You have introduced the PW to your parents, siblings, or significant other. (+10)
  • You have been in a wedding with the PW. (+10)
  • You have known the PW for at least 10 years. (+20)
  • You are currently pregnant or have been pregnant within the last year. (+15)

The Inner Circle (75+ points): You have earned the right to the highest level of privileges.  Most likely, you are a very close friend, immediate family member or the self-admitted biological father of the child.  You can get away with just about anything you want in regards to the PW, because you will likely also suffer the unbridled wrath of the PW should you do something annoying or thoughtless.

Part of the Pack (50 – 74 points): You are probably a member of the extended family or close acquaintance. You walk a fine line.  While you enjoy most of the privileges associated with knowing a PW well, you are not entitled to select benefits, the list of which are subject to change at any time and without warning in accordance with the hormones of the PW.

Neighboring Tribe Member (25 – 49 points): You are an acquaintance or casual friend of the PW. Or you are a close male friend of the PW. You should do your best to gauge the mood of the PW before saying or doing anything questionable that relates to the pregnancy.  As a general rule of thumb, the consequences of touching the PW in any manner should be considered before being attempted.

Totally Different Species (Less than 24 points): You are either a total stranger who found and randomly took this quiz, a co-worker, or a very casual acquaintance of the PW.  You have zero rights in relation to the PW in question.  If you say or do anything remotely stupid or inappropriate at a particularly hormonal moment, expect repercussions ranging from the maternal death stare to verbal castration.

3 Comments leave one →
  1. Katie permalink
    22 July 2007 17:29

    Oooh… I think I scored very, very low. Knowing you for 10 years doensn’t give me enough points to overcome the rest. Oh dear; I’ll have to do something drastic!!

    Y’know what the “PW” reminds me of? Remember the “POMAM” in Monterey? 🙂

  2. 23 July 2007 08:32

    Really? I got 75 points for you just now on a quick, cursory glance with no “benefit of the doubt” mercy points. Well, you automatically score “Inner Circle” because you survived living with me during some of the most insane, irresponsible months of my life. I should have had a bonus section for that category. :o) I can’t believe it’s been 10 years.

    I have been racking my brain trying to remember POMAM… maybe you should e-mail it to me. LOL 😉

  3. .Bittersweet. permalink
    23 July 2007 14:44

    That was hilarous. xoxo

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